


Within the Thick Thereof

by Broba



Category: Homestuck, Thick of It (UK)
Genre: British Comedy, British Politics, Crack, Other, Politics, Swearing, cursing, horrifyingly bad language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-22
Updated: 2012-10-22
Packaged: 2017-11-16 20:53:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/543704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broba/pseuds/Broba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kinkmeme prompt-<br/>"I am going to hate myself for asking this, but the character of Malcolm Tucker in the British political satire show The Thick Of It has speech patterns that remind me of Karkat a lot and, uh, I want fic.</p><p>I want AU fic where the other scratch-post Trolls are the government of some Troll colony world and Karkat is their communications officer, attempting to keep them from fucking up by plotting megalomaniacally and swearing at them all a lot. I don't care how closely it resembles The Thick of It - in fact, I'd prefer it just used this prompt as a jumping off into something sillier and more Homestuck-appropriate - but just give me Karkat as Malcolm Tucker and I will be putty in your hands."</p><p>Did I even mention I can't resist British TV prompts?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Within the Thick Thereof

  
The newstrolls gathered like dark-coated vultures huddling beneath umbrellas and dour overcoats around the revolving door that led into the office-hive. The building bore a grand inscription above the doors that read, in impressively embossed copper letters, “LOAFF.” Which is to say, the official acronym of the Legislature Of Administrative Formal Forms. This most august and vital institution which was, according to its' own press release, the very beating heart of this governments' delivery of policy guidance. In practice, it was a nubbin. An appendage. A minuscule throbbing lesion on the face of government- irritating but impossible to ignore entirely no matter how one tried.  
  
The newstrolls were clustering to get a picture of the new secretary of state as he entered his department on his first day of work. The circumstances behind the appointment of the Right Honourable Eridan Ampora were unfortunate to say the least, but this was merely part of the cut, thrust, bleed and die of modern politics. As a luxurious car drew up the cameras strarted working with a blinding array of flashes. The secretary of state himself stepped out and lifted a friendly hand to the crowd, nodding and muttering a few pleasantries as he worked his way through the throng to the revolving door. It occurred to Eridan that a revolving door was very apt, as no one tended to manage to run the LOAFF for more then a season or two. He naturally intended to do things differently.  
  
As his new but faithful adjutant turned and announced briskly that the secretary of state would not be answering any questions, Eridan smiled and clapped him on the shoulder.  
“Oh come along now-wuw, Zahaak! I can all-uw-ways spare a uw-word or two for our friends in the press!”  
Civil service adjutant Equius Zahaak adopted a fixed, rigid grin for the benefit of the cameras and turned slightly to hiss a reply.  
“I have to insist, you have not even been briefed yet, and-”  
“Zahaak,” Eridan said softly, “I believe I am the one in charge here now-uw, hmm?”  
“Yes-s-s.”  
“And it's time to get used to it, land-dw-uw-weller. There's going to be changes!”  
“Yes-s-s.”  
  
Satisfied that he had suitably admonished his social and political underling, Eridan turned a vote-winning smile on the gathered reporters, and imperiously signalled one of the waving hands to go ahead and ask a question.  
“Secretary of state! What is the position of the LOAFF on the three-sweep consolidated seaweed strategy that's due to be announced this afternoon?”  
“The, uh, seaw-uw-eed strategy?”  
“Yes, secretary of state. What is the position of LOAFF?”  
“Uw-well, of course uw-we...” Eridan blinked, he had never even heard about consolidated seaweed, let alone a strategy regarding same, “...are in favour?”  
There was an instant response, cameras blazed furiously and there was a murmur of surprise from the crowd. Equius clapped a meaty hand to Eridan's bicep and steered him very firmly toward the doors of the LOAFF, announcing tersely that there would be no more questions.  
  
“I don't understand,” complained Eridan as they left the lift onto the top floor offices which were already humming with half-hearted activity, “uw-what just happened?”  
“You just announced that this department is in support of a strategy,” growled Equius.  
“Uw-well. Aren't uw-we? Supportive?”  
Equius looked aghast and immediately began to perspire, “oh my- we don't support things!”  
“Then uw-we're against it?”  
Equius looked as though the secretary of state had just ate his own head, “never! Unthinkable!”  
“Then, uw-what do we do?”  
“Stay quiet! Produce steering documents!”  
“Oh,” said Eridan with a dismissive wave, “no-one reads those things,”  
“EXACTLY!”  
“But,” Eridan was noticeably deflating, “uw-what's the point then?”  
Equius relaxed, only slightly, “you'll get used to feeling that way. After a time, it can become quite comforting.”  
  
The office was in a state of alarm as Eridan was led to his new office and sat down for the first time in his throne-like leather backed swivelling executive chair. It was the kind that could swivel in any conceivable direction and was reserved only for the most important, most executive, rumps. Equius was going to go over the agenda for the day, when he was interrupted by a young female who pushed her way into the office, demanding to speak to the secretary of state at once.  
“Nepeta,” Equius said sternly, “this is hardly an appropriate time.”  
“Are you responsible for this?” The girl stomped her foot discreetly, and waved a sheet of paper aimlessly at Equius, then at Eridan who looked on in some amusement.  
“I'm entirely uncertain what you are talking about,” said Equius bluntly, “but we can schedule an appointment if you wish to-”  
“Nonsense!” Eridan chipped in brightly, “I operate an open-door policy in my officeblock! I uw-welcome a synergistic approach to management uw-wherein uw-we uw-will be uw-welcoming feedback and suggestions any time!”  
  
Equius rolled his eyes and mentally added up his pension entitlement. The sooner he could put a long and distinguished career of public service behind him and forget the whole sordid mess the better. This secretary of state was already rubbing him up the wrong way, and he prided himself on his exceptional professionalism.  
  
“It's spreading to all the news feeds!” Nepeta squeaked, “they're saying that the secretary of strate has thrown the full support of the LOAFF behind the three sweep consolidated seaweed strategy!”  
“Oh,” said Equius, “that was quick.”  
“B-but I just got here!” Eridan complained, “I only just stepped out of the lift!”  
“Fourty-eight hour news cycle,” Nepeta said, frowning, “you'd better get used to it. They're already saying that the seaweed strategy is becoming the signature policy of your administration.”  
“It is?”  
“It is now,”  
“And, uw-what exactly is this dratted thing any-uw-way?”  
“You mean you don't even know?” Nepeta went wide-eyed. She glanced at Equius who just shook his head sadly.  
  
Eridan coughed and placed his hands very firmly down on the desk, in a way which said 'hey- I'm in charge now.' This effect failed, and he was left looking very much as though he was trying to comfort his office furniture.  
  
“Right.” He said in a managerial manner. “Right,” he repeated. “Let's. Let's just not get uw-worked up here. First, could, um, someone fetch me a glass of uw-water?”  
“This is rid-ick-ulous,” hissed Nepeta, “I'm a civil servant, it's not my job to-”  
“UW-WATER!” Yelled Eridan, in a far more high-pitched and girlish way then he had intended.  
  
As Nepeta bustled out huffily, she made way for another aide to enter, carefully, angling his massive horns with care as he rolled through the door astride what could only be described as a four-wheel device.  
“Um,” he announced.  
“Tavros Nitram,” announced Equius, leaning over toward Eridan, “intern. Don't mention the... ahem... it's an equal opportunities, inclusivity thing.”  
“Marvellous,” said Eridan, glad to have a distraction from the air of general panic, “uw-what can I do for you, young, uhm, fellow?”  
“Uh,” Tavros stammered, “he's coming.”  
Equius frowned behind his shades, “who is coming?”  
“Well, uh, it seems that he read the newsfeeds and he isn't, by way of, he's not very happy about it.”  
“You don't mean he's coming here?” Equius paled and began sweating again.  
“No,”  
“Oh, that is fortunate,”  
“I mean he is here. Uh. Now.”  
  
Eridan looked from one to the other. They seemed to be speaking a language he was not privy to suddenly. “Uw-would someone tell me uw-what's going on?”  
“It would seem you are getting a visit,” said Equius gravely, “from the enforcer.”  
Eridan's mouth hung open. He knew the man by reputation, of course, “you mean-”  
  
Karkat “the enforcer” Vantas stepped briskly out of the lift and made his way towards the head office of LOAFF. As he passed by eyes raised curiously, and just as quickly darted down to pay extra close attention to their work when he was recognised. People actually turned around, swivelling smartly, and walked in the opposite direction as he passed. It was like a baleful, reverse magnetism. He walked right up to Eridan's new office and walked in without knocking.  
  
Karkat had a neutral expression, that would be considered, if not open, then at least personable were it not for the large, slightly watery eyes that darted from person to person. The eyes of Karkat Vantas bored straight into the soul of everyone they saw, and had not in recorded memory liked what they saw.  
“Secretary of state,” he said with a thin smile, offering a hand, “good to see you. I see you've got settled in all right. Liking the officeblock? Do you like the chair? How's the chair?”  
  
In the corner of the room, Equius was in all seriousness attempting to transform himself into a harmless houseplant through the power of nothing more then wishing. Tavros backed away slowly. Eridan smiled and stood up, shaking the offered hand with a measured, strong grip that said 'you can trust me, I have a firm handshake.' He had practised that handshake on himself for hours.  
  
“Ah! The inestimable Mister Vantas! Uw-welcome uw-welcome! To uw-what do uw-we owe-”  
“Desk okay for you there? Papers all in order?”  
“Yes, yes they're fine. To uw-what do uw-we owe-”  
“Are they treating you well? Got to keep the underlings in line, and all that,”  
“Um. Yes. It's all very nice.”  
Karkat smiled brightly, rapping a knuckle on the desk, “grand! Glad you're doing so well. I just wanted to make sure the first day went well.”  
  
Eridan sighed, and smiled broadly, “oh, thank you. To be honest, I thought you uw-were here to give me a bit of a talking to!”  
“Oh?” Karkat looked up, “a bit of a talking to?” He held up a finger and tapped his own chin, “see this? This is my happy face. This-” his expression slowly, inexorably faded. The brows drew down, the forehead tilted, the eyes drew about them dark venomous clouds of psychic misery, “this is my unhappy face.”  
  
Equius held up a hand from the corner, against all good sense he was bound by honour to speak up for even an incompetent superior, “ah, if I may just interject-”  
It was instantaneous, Karkat turned  on him and spat, “no you may fucking not inter-fucking-ject, you sad excuse for a bulge someone dressed up and drew a face on. Indeed you may not fucking inter-fucking-ject at this fucking juncture in proceedings. See you? If I want the opinion of bulge-spew then I'll reach down your fucking protein chute with a teacup and scoop up some of last night's dinner to ask, yeah?”  
  
His voice did not raise even one decibel, it was delivered in a flat, controlled hiss of pure poison rage delivered with the calm deliberation of a wasp injecting the lethal dose between the chitinous plates of a helpless caterpillar. Equius squirmed, sweating profusely and wringing his hands in impotent fear. Whenever Vantas was upset his accent always started to come through, and his rich burr was in evidence now as he turned to Eridan.  
  
“Speakin' of which, do you care to explain why this department, this fucking retard hole someone drilled into a wall to keep all the spoonfaces out of public view, has apparently announced that it is following a bold initiative of supporting the-”  
“Three s-uw-weep consolidated sea-uw-weed  strategy,” finished Eridan miserably. “I can explain-”  
“Indeed you can! You diddn' have any problem explainin' it to the press before, gave 'em quite a story it seems!”  
“I only said-”  
“Tell me! Tell me what you only fuckin' said, I want to hear from the hoofbeast's arse what's wafting in the fucking breeze. Go the fuck ahead.”  
“It, it seemed to me,” Eridan was having trouble raising the timbre of his voice, and Karkat wouldn't stop staring at him, “that, in respect of policy, and, uh, sea-uw-weed strategy, that LOAFF ought to be...” he tried to smile, and failed miserably, “...in, ah, favour?”  
“In favour?” Karkat stared at him. His eyes were horrifying, and he said nothing for just long enough for Eridan to think he was waiting to hear more, but the second Eridan drew breath Karkat was continuing. “As I don't have the benefit of your fine education, I'll try and put this in as upper-fucking-classed a way as I fucking can. The three-sweep consolidated seaweed strategy is a bold, forward fuckin' thinking initiative that has many fine features to it. The only wee problem is, that it's going to be proposed by the leader of the opposition.”  
  
Eridan closed his slack jaw, gill-fins wilting as it sunk in. He had committed his department to a policy that the opposition had come up with.  
  
Tavros squeaked and tried to cover it with a hiccup.  
“Um, I really don't think I need to be here for-”  
Karkat yelled over his shoulder, “then fuck the fuck off you mobile paperweight before I find a sharp incline tae push you at!”  
Tavros nodded gravely, “I'll... uh... just...” he slowly rolled backwards out of the door, still nodding.  
  
“Uw-well, maybe it uw-won't be so bad! I could, uh, I could say that-”  
“Oh fucking no! I'll tell you exactly what you're gonnae do. Sit the fuck down on your fancy fucking chair and stare at this tiny wee spot on the wall right here, see it? I want you sat here fuckin' concentrating on this wee spot till it spontaneously fucking combusts with all the furious energy you are not going to spend fucking this government up the raw and pulsing nook the way you apparently decided to start doing this morning. I want you sat here all morning. I want you sat here over fucking lunch time. In the evening, you know where I want you?”  
“Ah. Sat right-”  
“Right fucking THERE. That's what you're goin' tae do, 'cause that's your fuckin' JOB now. That's you're only wee JOB, 'till I come down off the fuckin' mountain and lay down upon your fuckin' skinbag of a department the guidelines that will apply for the next fucking foreseeable future.”  
  
He was interrupted in this increasingly voluble rant as Nepeta returned, carrying a glass of water. Karkat plucked it out of her grip and drained it in a gulp, before upending it and placing the empty glass on Eridan's desk.  
“Next time you open your mouth in front of the press without a script from me rammed so far into your thinkpan it's givin' you scoliosis, I'm gonnae be back. And next time, I won't be in such a welcoming and friendly fuckin' mood. They're gonnae call you the secretary of state for painfully trying to withdraw a hastily inserted typewriter from his fuckin' arse.” Karkat leaned over the desk slowly, and whispered, “sideways.”  
  
Karkat turned and stalked out of the office. When he had gone, Nepeta slowly let out the breath she had been holding and came down from her tiptoes.  
“Well,” she said brightly, “that went better then it might've!”  
  



End file.
